About Last Night

Last night was a child's school performance. And, rightly so, the ex was there. She's always there. Of course she's there. Why wouldn't she be there? She's their mother. She should be there. Immediately she engages with her ex, my current, and they look like the best tag-team of parents ever. They're cordial. They laugh. And I die a little inside at how well they are getting along because I constantly hear the complaints about the ex-wife's antics. I witness the antics. I despise the antics.

I hear her cheering louder than anyone in the crowd in what I consider an attempt to outdo my clapping. And that's fine. I'm not the loud type and really, I'm just glad the kid has such a large, extended support group in the crowd (grandpa, mom, dad, grandma, aunt, sister, you name it, we were there!). My mind wanders. I'm disgruntled that she looks like me, or that I look like her. Both our dark hair is pulled back and our sexy-nerd glasses look like they could have been made by the same designer. Ugh. 

I accept my place in this relationship as the dating interest of the children's father and a potential stepmom. I'm not competing to be a better mother than his ex. The fact is I will never be a bio-mom. The best I can hope for is to be a well-depended upon source of unconditional love who feels something like a mom, but am currently realizing that only years of time will, hopefully, grow these relationships. The fact is, right now, I don't "count" when it comes to having discussions with teachers or with doctors. In this moment, I feel like a third wheel who can only, despite trying to build a relationship with these children on a bi-weekly basis, witness their lives from afar. It's hard to think that I can put in years of relationship building with these children and have potentially, little payout. Will they bond with me over time? Will they consider me a second mom? Yeah, I overthink things. But it's my reality. 

I've had to mourn quite a few things with the on-taking of my new reality as well. At any given time, a perfect date night can be ruined by a text or frantic threatening, phone call from his ex. My best laid plans for a Saturday afternoon have been dashed because he's in a bad mood from arguing with the ex. While I knew that he and the children were a package deal, I wasn't counting on the adult threesome with an extra side of crazy. Don't get me wrong, I get along (topically) well with the ex. If things were different I could picture us going on shopping expeditions and meeting for lunch. But that's not my reality. I am on team He & Me. And no matter how nice the ex seems, there always seems to be an eminent "snake bite" attack from her. Down talking the children's dad in front of them, leaving out details of family celebrations, last minute time changes, snide remarks and judgments, it all adds up. It's all a reminder of why my focus must be on my team, He & Me.

I strive to continue building a rock-solid relationship with the man I love, and temper my opinion with compassion when needed. I mean, this can't be easy for him either. Knowing he's juggling responsibilities of his past with his future, I try to be as kind and honest as I can, but some days I just need someone to bitch to. And that my friend is why you're reading this blog.