Livid

A week to the day and he is questioning my love and loyalty because I haven't set a date yet for the wedding. I didn't know there was a deadline? Was I supposed to have the wedding planned before he even asked? That's what he (and numerous others) are making me feel like. And after the past weekend with the kids, I'm worn out and left to doubt if this is even what I want in life! Kids are hard work, and they're not even mine!

Due to the kids school schedule, he is choosing to limit us to a wedding over their summer break, a two month window for choosing a wedding date. I don't, nor have I ever wanted a summer wedding. And just when I ALMOST get my mind wrapped around that idea, he tells me that our intimate wedding party of a few people, has gone to over 40 for him alone. So, what this means to me is, my small venue of choice is out since it only holds 34 people, and I don't get to pick the date I want either. 

So - why do I want this? The end goal. Oh, that's right. I get to be the live in nanny, maid, and cook and give up my entire life and being, and can't even get the wedding I want? I'm sure this post sounds horrific, and the fact is, I don't care! I am tired of making the concessions in this relationship and basically being told that I'm a bad person because I actually want one (or two) things to go my way. This is going to be a long engagement at this rate, and along the way I think I'll be finding out who I am, what I'm made of, and if this is really the choice I want in life. I would like it to be, but life is not perfect. And when it isn't, it's hell. 

Conflict

So yeah, this is my place of venting and asking questions, if even only for my own mental benefit but the latest from the ex-wife takes the cake. Okay, it was not at all detrimental but here's an example of how she operates...

She lets her ex know that one of the children has a school commitment and then asks him in the same conversation if he'd like to attend a conflicting, but way more fun, event. Is this a test? Was he supposed to say yes to that? Really? Are you hoping he'll take "fun" over his own child? Why would you even ask? 

It Happened

He asked me the question. 

You know, THE question. 

And I said yes. 

Let the whirlwind begin.

Fear

Insurance

So, how does it work? If my future husband currently covers his children on his own insurance, but once married we agree that my insurance is better, how does the switch work? How are the kids covered? I mean, I'm not adopting them, so what kind of family plan is there for blended families/stepchildren? Does the law give me more rights as a stepparent then the actual relationship does? (Now there's a scary thought.)

Weekend Phone Calls

You know what kills me? Something I can't prevent at all of course; phone usage! It's his weekend with the children. It's our weekend to bond and yet, it seems every few hours there's a text from bio-mom, or a call to bio-mom. Just make it stop already! Yes, yes, I know I cannot prevent the kids from talking to their own mother (nor would I want that actually) but I really wish I could make these two preteens be more present and not drowning in a sea of text and calls during our limited weekend time. How are they supposed to bond with him, much less me, when they're constantly on the phone? With his ex? 

I've quickly learned that I have no privacy. Anything we do or say together is fair game to get back to the ex. "Daddy did this...." or "Did you know she did...?". The ex thrives on being at the center of attention and is a gossip queen. She loves holding the proverbial puppet strings in his family despite being divorced for numerous years! (Don't ask, that's a whole separate blog!). And while there is nothing to hide, the fact is, I am not that present in her household, I'm not allowed to be. And while I don't need to know what goes on during the weeks we are with out the children, I'd just like her to respect our space and time to bond - and she doesn't do that and never will. 

Are they bored you ask - is that why the children spend so much time on the phone? Dad has actually put restrictions on phone usage in efforts to keep the kids more involved, but let me tell you, these kids are well entertained! Lord knows I bust my butt and so does he to do things as a family. This weekend for example was filled with an extended family dinner, early morning group errands and projects, pancake breakfasts, pumpkin farm visits, petting zoos, haunted houses, pumpkin painting, house decorating, mess making, home cooked dinners, evening movie time, catch playing - - - you name it and we did it. And yet, the bio-mom invasion via the phone continues. 

I'm sure there's a case of bitter grapes and whining in this post from me. Of course there is. I want to be so awesome and bonded with these kids that they forget all about their other life, if even for just a weekend. I know, I know. Time. Time will reveal all and I just need to continue to work on and build the relationships, memories and experiences that I can, and want (and hope for) but in the meantime, I feel like weekends are "court supervised" with bio-mom just a phone call/speaker away. Anyone else ever feel like this? 

About Last Night

Last night was a child's school performance. And, rightly so, the ex was there. She's always there. Of course she's there. Why wouldn't she be there? She's their mother. She should be there. Immediately she engages with her ex, my current, and they look like the best tag-team of parents ever. They're cordial. They laugh. And I die a little inside at how well they are getting along because I constantly hear the complaints about the ex-wife's antics. I witness the antics. I despise the antics.

I hear her cheering louder than anyone in the crowd in what I consider an attempt to outdo my clapping. And that's fine. I'm not the loud type and really, I'm just glad the kid has such a large, extended support group in the crowd (grandpa, mom, dad, grandma, aunt, sister, you name it, we were there!). My mind wanders. I'm disgruntled that she looks like me, or that I look like her. Both our dark hair is pulled back and our sexy-nerd glasses look like they could have been made by the same designer. Ugh. 

I accept my place in this relationship as the dating interest of the children's father and a potential stepmom. I'm not competing to be a better mother than his ex. The fact is I will never be a bio-mom. The best I can hope for is to be a well-depended upon source of unconditional love who feels something like a mom, but am currently realizing that only years of time will, hopefully, grow these relationships. The fact is, right now, I don't "count" when it comes to having discussions with teachers or with doctors. In this moment, I feel like a third wheel who can only, despite trying to build a relationship with these children on a bi-weekly basis, witness their lives from afar. It's hard to think that I can put in years of relationship building with these children and have potentially, little payout. Will they bond with me over time? Will they consider me a second mom? Yeah, I overthink things. But it's my reality. 

I've had to mourn quite a few things with the on-taking of my new reality as well. At any given time, a perfect date night can be ruined by a text or frantic threatening, phone call from his ex. My best laid plans for a Saturday afternoon have been dashed because he's in a bad mood from arguing with the ex. While I knew that he and the children were a package deal, I wasn't counting on the adult threesome with an extra side of crazy. Don't get me wrong, I get along (topically) well with the ex. If things were different I could picture us going on shopping expeditions and meeting for lunch. But that's not my reality. I am on team He & Me. And no matter how nice the ex seems, there always seems to be an eminent "snake bite" attack from her. Down talking the children's dad in front of them, leaving out details of family celebrations, last minute time changes, snide remarks and judgments, it all adds up. It's all a reminder of why my focus must be on my team, He & Me.

I strive to continue building a rock-solid relationship with the man I love, and temper my opinion with compassion when needed. I mean, this can't be easy for him either. Knowing he's juggling responsibilities of his past with his future, I try to be as kind and honest as I can, but some days I just need someone to bitch to. And that my friend is why you're reading this blog.